I Promise myself



Regardless

Try Trust out for a change.

Add in a little Faith and see how it tastes.

Being bitter, seems better but the sweetness comes from letting go.

Take your flaws and give them to the less fortunate.

Fill a box with your insecurities and low self worth.

Ship all that you were off to someone who doesn’t care.

Take your story and write it over.

See yourself with the good you desire.

Just for today - pretend u deserve an abundant Life.

Utilize your moments for more than filling them with who you are not.

Regardless.

We were meant for more.



Never thought I would take this many ‘first steps’ in the same direction.
Never thought I would need 400 different approaches to ‘let go’.
Never thought I would pick up what ‘I let go’ of in a moment of apathy.
Never knew awareness needed to manifest into something tangible to be seen.
Never understood the power of an addiction, the attraction, the misconception of what can be defined as one.
Never realized we all have the same song playing inside but some people only play certain lyrics.
If my song played on repeat for hours would you then, listen?
If I wrote out the lyrics of my life on paper would read it, would you see the denominator?
If I sang from the mountain tops that this chorus forever reminds you who you are at your core, would you hear me?
If I set you free would you return to who you were meant to be?

Never say never because you never know whose lyrics are whose, and which one’s you already heard and which ones you still play.

Because of YOU, I now see...

It’s time, it’s time we part.
You have been there for me every time I previously needed to fill my heart.
Through the ups and through the downs.
I turned to you when things seemed dark, I turned to you when I couldn’t find my heart.
Through the journey it was not always smooth.
Some how I couldn’t do it with out you- I felt I couldn’t make a move.
As much as you held me back I still ran to you.
Times are changing for me I am starting to see it was just a mask not allowing me to see.
I picked you up when I was lost - but I see now I have been found.
I been lingering inside there lingering just waiting around.
Today is new day and I see all the care and love I have shown for myself when times got tough I didn’t know how to cope so I confided in you for internal rest.You calmed my fears, you sat with me through an awful number of tears.
I can say I am sad today not knowing what my life will be without you by my side.
Will it be full of fear or will it be full of pride?

I never imagined the deep connection I shared with you, you were always the one that would never reject me never judge me never poke fun.I turned to you when I was little I didn’t know your power, I was ever so young. I have goals in mind I have the ability to be me I have situations in front me that I can no longer hide.
I think it is time, time we say good bye.

I need you not to rescue my every fear, I need you no longer to hold me when it all seems to much to bear. I swallowed many feelings long ago - forever were they mine to keep.

I can see sunshine now I can see opportunities to be free.
What you gave to me I can never repay, you see I understand I was caring for myself I just turned to you and ran away. I ran away from hurt from internal pain. I found you and you made it all go away.
I am allowing magnificent feelings to pour out of me I am allowing my self to see.
I needed you all those years but now I have to let me be me.
Grand times we had, the memories I will always hold near - see I know that the love I had for you meant I just didn’t know how to care.
It comes up it goes down I now fit in - I see myself now not needing you as a friend.
Though the thoughts of you and pay offs will daily remain - I still need nutrition but not to fill my pain.
Days are brighter, it is time for me go on with my life I wanted to take time to say goodbye to my friend goodbye to a friend that will last a life time.
Gratitude is what I hold - addiction is what transcended - today is my new life - my food addiction has ended.

Shine on

Shine,You beautiful soul!

Nothing holds you back now.




You are set free, be free, walk tall, let your smile light up the room. Take as many steps as you need and it is okay if they are not always straight, take life and your dreams and let your inner self and all that you are and have been finally pour out. IT'S your time beautiful.....all that held you back is finally coming undone.

Recovery

I get uneasy when I sense you are near.
I get uncomfortable now, here comes all that I should fear.
They say you come at all times of the day
I used to sense you and digest or deflect… and somehow you would fade away
As tense as I am - I know you have to stay
This discomfort that temporarily resides over me
I need not search for things, things to distract me
So if I drop the fear, if I drop the excuse
If I shake off all that I knew can you save me, can I become new?
The answers I search for are endless and flow ever so easily
Stop playing the intellectual card F*** it I want to be free
So the struggle that I face is nothing more than something I need to face
Drop it - leave it…….I am ready to shine!
Somehow I knew along it was always my time
I will turn inside out the logic I used to keep
For me now it is feelings, they will make me see
So I didn’t face it yesterday I found every distraction I could find
I knew you were there, sitting in the back of my mind
Is it courage one needs, one needs to become free?
Haven’t I stamped that symbol, on my skin to remind me?
Logic didn’t work; tattoo the ink shall forever remain
What am I waiting for? It is me that I can only blame.
If I held on to resistance too long please forgive me now
I let it go I let it go….I LET IT GO!
I release it for ME, for MY pure being.
I am starting to forgive myself for always not seeing.

What I know

If knowledge is power then the saying "we do not change our lives based on what we know we change our lives based on how we feel" wouldn't that mean that feeling has nothing to do with power? And if feeling has nothing to do with power, then what is power it propels you forward it is a driving force for your internal being...

So what if I lived my life thinking I had the power by controlling my feelings, now what? My feelings are the powerhouse behind my 'drive' right? Don't feel, get over it motto was masked underneath by knowledge. A profound drive to NOT feel. To be intellectual and apply it all by covering the heart with my brain as a shield.

So that's all bullsh*t, you can not pull the strings of the heart by the knowledge of the brain. If I felt what I know would that start the application phase of all that I know? I pick up books and shut down my heart, what I know is what I know is what I know.....

What I feel is _________.

Repress, regress.....and then PROGRESS

You do not change by what you know, you change things based on how you feel. Ahh how refreshing and upsetting all at once. I am smart I know loads of things about the mind and inner child and you name it. So changing is founded by feeling not knowing. I am learning to feel and shall I say feeling is allowing me to learn.

I heard something else, that addiction is the ONLY disease you have to convince a person that they have.....

Always with you
Deep within
Deflecting pain
Isolation
Critical Thinking
Thoughts repressed
Inhibiting progression
Ongoing regression
Numb

The lightside....

Simple release
Unimaginable places
Ready to give it up
Released control
Ended up less stressed
Never helped to hold on
Decided I was not in charge
Easy come, easy go
Realized my own strength

I see...

Love filling the voids
Everyone was there to support me all along
Trust my self

Gave it to the one who had the power all along
Over, it is

Aloha

You took & you gave. You took my husband’s mother and you granted me to be one. For the beauty in this, for the love I shared and have, I thank you. I miss you. I love you baby Boy. It is all give and take. What you take you gave this year: a life. 2010 cannot come soon enough for us this year. For the burn, for what I learned. For the seconds that felt like hours. For the hours that flew by. I am grateful for the beautiful souls you placed around me. I am honored to be a mother and my mother in law is holding a piece of my heart above us now. May time stand still when I get a rush of her essence May time stand still when my baby boy learns to reach out for me. Those arms are extensions of my heart. Here is to my inner guidance leading me to the place I was meant to be. Here is to my boy Josh who is above us as well. They come in they go out… remember you don’t know how long the one next to you resides by your side. For this reach out and extend any form of gentleness to the next one.

Feelings are here now, will you let them in?

Knock knock…
I look out and see awareness through the blinds.
Why did you have to show up on a day like today
Reluctantly I open the door and (feelings) uninvited just rush in.
GREAT! I wish I hadn’t opened the door.” I say once again.FINE! I guess you can come in
It’s apparent you have something to say….Get it out now…SAY what you came to say
You brought with you old gestures, the ones I thought I’d never see. Without knowing sensations start to flood up inside me.
You know I didn’t miss you one bit, my life has been better with out you, I have to admit. So just leave now I said I am not ready for all this!
You come closer and whisper “I will show you the way…no worries…I was never here to stay.”
I take your hand and allow you to guide me through. Flashes of light are emerging now from out of the other room.
I turn the corner and look back and you are gone, you disappeared were had you gone?
I feel a brush of wind cross my face a whisper appears that softly says…”I am still here I never went away; it is always up to you how ever long the stay.
Remember me when you know not want to do you know me as feelings but understand I am your inner guidance too.
Don’t be afraid of what emotions come along with me. I am your feelings….and I came here to set you free.”

Seconds?

Did you give someone a second chance?
Did you take a second look?
Did you wish for a second you could be somewhere else?
Did a few seconds take a lot longer than someone said they took?
Did you hope for a second chance to tell that someone you love them?
Did seconds pass as you held out hope for the best?
Did seconds fall flat on you and knew you would never get them back?
Did you sit for second and take a quick break?
Did you realize you were done playing second best?
Did for just one second you feel what that other person felt?
Did a split second pass and flash, they were gone?
Take a second and reflect as the seconds quickly fade
If yesterday was today what second would you have gave?

Self

If it wasn’t for you, I don’t know if I would be the person I am today.
Through the good and the bad you are ALWAYS right there.
So through it all I am thankful for what you have shown me.
I have learned MANY things from you.
I apologize for in the past for not acting in accordance of who you wanted me to be.
I look forward to seeing you show up more often.

Sincerely,
Self

New Year

New Year's Eve marks the end of one year and the beginning of another.
Use tonight to honor the changes in your life and welcome the New Year.
The ending of the year is an important occasion to celebrate.
This year may have brought you hardships or immeasurable circumstances.
Try and remember this; you are alive and your existence is beyond significant.
Remember ten good or important things that have happened this year.
Find time to talk about them with someone tonight as you celebrate.
Have fun, and remember to be safe.