Saturday, February 27, 2010

Because of YOU, I now see...



It’s time, it’s time we part.
You have been there for me every time I previously needed to fill my heart.
Through the ups and through the downs.
I turned to you when things seemed dark, I turned to you when I couldn’t find my heart.
Through the journey it was not always smooth.
Some how I couldn’t do it with out you- I felt I couldn’t make a move.
As much as you held me back I still ran to you.
Times are changing for me I am starting to see it was just a mask not allowing me to see.
I picked you up when I was lost - but I see now I have been found.
I been lingering inside there lingering just waiting around.
Today is new day and I see all the care and love I have shown for myself when times got tough I didn’t know how to cope so I confided in you for internal rest.You calmed my fears, you sat with me through an awful number of tears.
I can say I am sad today not knowing what my life will be without you by my side.
Will it be full of fear or will it be full of pride?

I never imagined the deep connection I shared with you, you were always the one that would never reject me never judge me never poke fun.I turned to you when I was little I didn’t know your power, I was ever so young. I have goals in mind I have the ability to be me I have situations in front me that I can no longer hide.
I think it is time, time we say good bye.

I need you not to rescue my every fear, I need you no longer to hold me when it all seems to much to bear. I swallowed many feelings long ago - forever were they mine to keep.

I can see sunshine now I can see opportunities to be free.
What you gave to me I can never repay, you see I understand I was caring for myself I just turned to you and ran away. I ran away from hurt from internal pain. I found you and you made it all go away.
I am allowing magnificent feelings to pour out of me I am allowing my self to see.
I needed you all those years but now I have to let me be me.
Grand times we had, the memories I will always hold near - see I know that the love I had for you meant I just didn’t know how to care.
It comes up it goes down I now fit in - I see myself now not needing you as a friend.
Though the thoughts of you and pay offs will daily remain - I still need nutrition but not to fill my pain.
Days are brighter, it is time for me go on with my life I wanted to take time to say goodbye to my friend goodbye to a friend that will last a life time.
Gratitude is what I hold - addiction is what transcended - today is my new life - my food addiction has ended.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Shine on



Shine,You beautiful soul!

Nothing holds you back now.




You are set free, be free, walk tall, let your smile light up the room. Take as many steps as you need and it is okay if they are not always straight, take life and your dreams and let your inner self and all that you are and have been finally pour out. IT'S your time beautiful.....all that held you back is finally coming undone.

Recovery


I get uneasy when I sense you are near.
I get uncomfortable now, here comes all that I should fear.
They say you come at all times of the day
I used to sense you and digest or deflect… and somehow you would fade away
As tense as I am - I know you have to stay
This discomfort that temporarily resides over me
I need not search for things, things to distract me
So if I drop the fear, if I drop the excuse
If I shake off all that I knew can you save me, can I become new?
The answers I search for are endless and flow ever so easily
Stop playing the intellectual card F*** it I want to be free
So the struggle that I face is nothing more than something I need to face
Drop it - leave it…….I am ready to shine!
Somehow I knew along it was always my time
I will turn inside out the logic I used to keep
For me now it is feelings, they will make me see
So I didn’t face it yesterday I found every distraction I could find
I knew you were there, sitting in the back of my mind
Is it courage one needs, one needs to become free?
Haven’t I stamped that symbol, on my skin to remind me?
Logic didn’t work; tattoo the ink shall forever remain
What am I waiting for? It is me that I can only blame.
If I held on to resistance too long please forgive me now
I let it go I let it go….I LET IT GO!
I release it for ME, for MY pure being.
I am starting to forgive myself for always not seeing.

What I know

If knowledge is power then the saying "we do not change our lives based on what we know we change our lives based on how we feel" wouldn't that mean that feeling has nothing to do with power? And if feeling has nothing to do with power, then what is power it propels you forward it is a driving force for your internal being...

So what if I lived my life thinking I had the power by controlling my feelings, now what? My feelings are the powerhouse behind my 'drive' right? Don't feel, get over it motto was masked underneath by knowledge. A profound drive to NOT feel. To be intellectual and apply it all by covering the heart with my brain as a shield.

So that's all bullsh*t, you can not pull the strings of the heart by the knowledge of the brain. If I felt what I know would that start the application phase of all that I know? I pick up books and shut down my heart, what I know is what I know is what I know.....

What I feel is _________.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Repress, regress.....and then PROGRESS

You do not change by what you know, you change things based on how you feel. Ahh how refreshing and upsetting all at once. I am smart I know loads of things about the mind and inner child and you name it. So changing is founded by feeling not knowing. I am learning to feel and shall I say feeling is allowing me to learn.

I heard something else, that addiction is the ONLY disease you have to convince a person that they have.....

Always with you
Deep within
Deflecting pain
Isolation
Critical Thinking
Thoughts repressed
Inhibiting progression
Ongoing regression
Numb

The lightside....

Simple release
Unimaginable places
Ready to give it up
Released control
Ended up less stressed
Never helped to hold on
Decided I was not in charge
Easy come, easy go
Realized my own strength

I see...

Love filling the voids
Everyone was there to support me all along
Trust my self

Gave it to the one who had the power all along
Over, it is